god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
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most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Noted.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.