God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
You Might Also Like
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.