@briangaar
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
@NewDadNotes
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
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@briangaar
@Thynebear
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
@daemonic3
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
@Home_Halfway
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
@DomesticGoddss
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
@JDBooie
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
@bridger_w
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
@OutOfLeftField_
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
@Ziweeee
mood
@Mikecanrant
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.