God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
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Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
when you order from DoorDastardly
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”