God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
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Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Milk Cube
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened