I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
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The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
😲 WTF? 😆
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
My kitchen overserved me.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.