You call it baggage, I call it origin story.
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*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
A cannibal is just a foodie who likes other foodies.
Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
MOM: dont lie. The man upstairs is always watching
ME: ok mom
FRANK FROM 4B (watching on his hidden camera): how the hell did she know that
PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.
PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.
Do you need to go peepee?
Are you sure?
How bout you try?
*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.