God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
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Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Every photo I’m tagged in
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things