God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
You Might Also Like
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
When you kidnap a writer.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.