God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
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accurate
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Every damn time
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
This forever.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.