@nyquills

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

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@Leemanish

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

@RidiculousSheri

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

@JohnsonDiaz21

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

@truegritrumble

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

@sbellelauren

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

@PinkCamoTO

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

@notmythirdrodeo

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

@ianpauldukes

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

@krisv_723

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.