Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Ndeshi_M

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

@TheCatWhisprer

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

@mommymemejeans

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

@Tommytoughstuff

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

@sixfootcandy

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

@Donna_McCoy

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

@Phook75

If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door

@mc_funbags

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

@drayzze

Someone told me that coconut oil is great for sex…

So how much do I have to drink beforehand?

@PhilJamesson

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only