God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

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I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.


Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.


Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.


If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door


I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.


Someone told me that coconut oil is great for sex…

So how much do I have to drink beforehand?


i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only