Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
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Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
i was baptized in a car wash
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Never let them know your next move 😂
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.