God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

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Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.


Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.


Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?


Husband: HOW SHORT?!


Don’t kid yourself vegans.

If a cow got the chance he’d eat you and everyone you know


Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.


Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.


girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said


I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”


[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no