@nyquills

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

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@Tmoney68

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

@mommajessiec

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

@BeagirlNJ

Don’t kid yourself vegans.

If a cow got the chance he’d eat you and everyone you know

@charstarlene

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

@rcromwell4

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

@iwearaonesie

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

@joshgondelman

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

@KWalps

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no