God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”


I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.


My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.


ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.


i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus


8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.


Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.


HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.


The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.