“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Succinctly put.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.