God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
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[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.