@PleaseBeGneiss

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

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@callmeEvian

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

@Browtweaten

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

@Isyscupids

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

@iwearaonesie

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

@GrapeSodaJamb

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

@ChillGates69

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

@Steelers1972

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

@bingowings14

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

@LoriLuvsShoes

My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]