God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

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Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.


Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww


Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?


cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless


free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side


In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.


My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.


My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.


My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.


[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]