Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
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Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.