@NewDadNotes

God: you’re nocturnal.

Cricket: what does that mean?

God: it means you can only be heard at night.

Cricket: oh.

God: and after bad jokes lol.

Cricket:

God:

Cricket: [cricket noises].

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

@ThatRascalPuff

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

@NotBachibawlz

I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”

“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”

@BoomBoomBetty

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

@just1fool

We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.

@KevinFarzad

PLEASE LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE, in the woods, surrounded by a pack of wolves.

@fro_vo

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

@Briidashian

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

@donni

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem