Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
God: you’re really fast.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
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when i was a young boy my father had what he called the bean jar. it was a jar full of brown and black beans. whenever we misbehaved, he would remove one and tell us that once the jar was empty, the world would end
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I hope one day to have the chance to whisper “what’s she doing here?” to the person next to me at a funeral.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
If my mom had her own music genre it would be heavy meddle.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”
Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you