God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

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when i was a young boy my father had what he called the bean jar. it was a jar full of brown and black beans. whenever we misbehaved, he would remove one and tell us that once the jar was empty, the world would end


CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder


You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?


I hope one day to have the chance to whisper “what’s she doing here?” to the person next to me at a funeral.


Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.


Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”


Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you