God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
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Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
May have had one breakfast too many
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.