Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
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Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath