god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
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Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.