@parttimewinner

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

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@nyquills

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

@Robert_Beau

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

@stephenjmolloy

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

@pharmasean

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

@thebeckyard

Always carry $10,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feeling like getting a meal at an airport.

@QwertyJones3

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

@divergentmama

I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

@undeadmolly

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

@HousewifeOfHell

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.