God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
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So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.
Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Always carry $10,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feeling like getting a meal at an airport.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.