[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
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Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
U talkin 2 me?
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.