Godspeed, John Glenn
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Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?