godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
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I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Happy Febuary everyone!
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.