@HisDulcinea

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

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@trentistweeting

[2 paintings talking]
“hey man, guess what im doing this weekend?”
please dont say it
“JUST HANGING!”
i wanna move to a different gallery

@Skullcat

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

@GorillaNipples1

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

@SortaBad

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

@Rollmaninoz

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

@dorsalstream

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

@SamNonTheWiser

I always thought it wasn’t necessary to say “don’t try this at home”

Then TikTok was born

@mom_tho

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them