*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
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People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The asteroid..
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.