[2 paintings talking]
“hey man, guess what im doing this weekend?”
please dont say it
i wanna move to a different gallery
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
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Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I always thought it wasn’t necessary to say “don’t try this at home”
Then TikTok was born
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Fights fire with marshmallows