@Rollmaninoz

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

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@CarolinaSong

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

@Sickayduh

Bobby Flay’s sister is pretty big in the dessert game too. Sue Flay.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

@NervousJr

When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you’ll meet the man of your dreams.

@RexHuppke

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

@SamInspired

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

@Bexdora

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

@yaboyblue357

Idiot: ” Those tattoos are going to look awful when you’re older.”

Me: ” Well, you look awful now, so….”

@Doyle_McLain

BREAKING NEWS ON FACEBOOK!

Pam wants everyone to know what a great husband Don has been these last 8 years & for making her so very happy!