*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
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if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]