@GrantTanaka

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

@Dear_Booze

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

@TheTweetOfGod

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

@welfarehoe

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

@clichedout

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

@MaverickBistro

If you’re a woman and hate cargo pants it’s because you are keenly aware of their tactical superiority compared to a purse

@Roxtalled

Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You’re happy until shit explodes in your face.

@pourmecoffee

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.