*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
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I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?