Push-up men’s underwear.
Taking complexes to a whole new level.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
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Best misinterpreted text ever!
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
If you’re a woman and hate cargo pants it’s because you are keenly aware of their tactical superiority compared to a purse
Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You’re happy until shit explodes in your face.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.