goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
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[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*swipes right on my hand mirror
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.