Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
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Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
when someone compliments me
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.