@Henry_3k

*Goes back in time to kill the inventors of Twitter. Returns home to amaze friends on Facebook with endless jokes about vodka & pizza.*

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@TeahLhompson

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

@PAPIKAIBITCH

SOME GIRLS GET BEATEN UP BY THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND STICK AROUND SAYING “I SEE SOMETHING IN HIM” LIKE WTF YOU SEE??? A REMATCH?

@SatansTongue

*Dentistry school*
Here’s your final:
*stabs student*
Why is he bleeding
“Because you stabbed him?”
FAIL
“Because he doesn’t floss”
CORRECT!

@ArfMeasures

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

@jonnysun

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

@AmericanGent69

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

@skele_tim

CAT VAMPIRE: let me in!
ME: ok
CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl-
ME: *closes door*
CAT VAMPIRE: …
CAT VAMPIRE: let me out

@OllyiConic

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

@SuperApple80

Put your seatbelt on, kids. Mommy wants to record a video for Facebook.

@InternetHippo

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason