*Goes back in time to kill the inventors of Twitter. Returns home to amaze friends on Facebook with endless jokes about vodka & pizza.*

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This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.


Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.


We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.


They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on


lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?

me: yea…it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners

lifeguard: a squid?


FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell


my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music


If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.


Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*