I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Herpes is trending, good job people
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless