@ibid78

[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him
[goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer

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@ruinedpicnic

me: maybe those nazi salutes… we’re just them reaching for the stars…
McDonald’s manager: this is the fastest I’ve ever fired someone

@erikbransteen

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: have you seen my briefcase?

HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk

ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?

@relatabledad

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

@AndyRichter

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

@GoodZiIIa

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

@Parkerlawyer

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

@TheDairylandDon

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

@Gorilla_Turd

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]