@UnFitz

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

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@yoyoha

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

@ronnui_

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

@ndiquote

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

@dave_cactus

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

@bornmiserable

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

@BunAndLeggings

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

@geraintgriffith

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

@DBStoner

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

@junejuly12

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.