@UnFitz

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

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@GothikRokkit

Facebook asks what I’m thinking.
Twitter asks what I’m doing.
Google asks where I am.

The internet has turned into my girlfriend.

@EndhooS

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

@thedad

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

@FatherWithTwins

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

@juliussharpe

The ending of “Romeo and Juliet” is only sad if you think two fourteen year-olds should have gotten married.

@ibid78

If you watch the Game of Thrones backwards a family overcomes near death experiences to reunite happily in a castle (plus dragons shrink).

@BoucheDag2k

Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win

@seanoconnz

THIS IS MY LOCKER ROOM TALK

GUY: Hey, do you know if they supply towels here?
ME: Please don’t look at me, my shirt is off.

@BigRedKraut

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

@KeetPotato

cop: i have to give you a ticket
me: [undoes button] how bout now?
cop: sir
me: [undoes another] how bout now?
cop: sir pls get off my shirt