[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

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I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again


Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.


If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes


My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on


[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet


My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.


I hope you understand how difficult this situation is for celebrities. Instead of being pampered and flattered by everyone, we are forced to sit in our homes just like regular people. Please don’t forget about us. Any kind words of support would be appreciated. #AdoptACelebrity


Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?


If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me