*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

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It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.


bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road


Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.


I love my Alexa, but I need someone that’s really going to tell it to me straight, maybe like a Renee “hey boo, this fool calling again with some lame shit but you haven’t been laid in a month so you can’t be picky”…


Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.


me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out


HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.