*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
You Might Also Like
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.