Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
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[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.