@Shellsterca

*Goes fishing

*Catches Spongebob

*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy

*Too lazy to buy a sponge

*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet

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@awkwardphilippe

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

@Big_Cat74

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

@bacon_gillepic

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

@SoNotThePoint_

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

@daddydoubts

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

@mommajessiec

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

@badbanana

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

@sixfootcandy

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

@farouq_yahaya

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

[ phone call ]

Wife: You want the white 7″ or the black 9″.

Me: The black 9″.

..and if she wasn’t tablet shopping this would be awkward.