employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy
*Too lazy to buy a sponge
*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet
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[taco bell 2am]
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[ phone call ]
Wife: You want the white 7″ or the black 9″.
Me: The black 9″.
..and if she wasn’t tablet shopping this would be awkward.