*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
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If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Boom, boom, ching!
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!