@AimeeHelene1

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

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@notittryagain

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

@AnnaDoesntWant2

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

@weinerdog4life

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

@12ozCourage

The guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wrist watch.

@weinerdog4life

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

@BurhanHafeez1

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

@Imnotsurehow

A sure fire way to lose a afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says “come on it will only take a half hour to fix”