Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*
Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Her: I’m staying with my sister
The guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wrist watch.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
You call it baggage, I call it origin story.
A sure fire way to lose a afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says “come on it will only take a half hour to fix”
wait a minute….