*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
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Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Sunday
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.