Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
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If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
A friend sent me this.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir