*everybody gasps as I drop the baby*
Oh no was it expensive?
*goes on job interview*
-You come very highly recommended.
-Why thank you, I always try to be as stoned as possible before I come to work.
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me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
R.I.P boiling water, you will be mist.
The heaviest things in the world:
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
God must have really liked saturn
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I wrote a book titled:
How Dragons Are Greater Than Unicorns
Daenerys Targaryen wrote the foreword.
All she wrote was: No shit Sherlock!
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
Parenting is hard.
I built a Snowman on my stomach and now I have an abdominal Snowman.