@barryjohnharper

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

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@pilau

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

@edgarrants

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

@KimmyMonte

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

@kelkulus

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

@withanewname

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

@TheBoydP

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

@heatherlou_

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

@SteveSuckington

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!