*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
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Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Every time my phone rings
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok