I’m glad it’s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
You Might Also Like
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I sleep with a Bible under my pillow in case anyone wants to break in and accept Jesus Christ as their lord and personal savior
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
“I’m old.” -everyone over the age of 18
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”