6yo wants to “have a conversation” with the class bully’s parents. Either he’s mature beyond his years or he’s a mobster.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
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An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Ladies, here’s a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.