*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
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Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
based al yankovic
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes