@Sanbel11

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

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@hpb777

6yo wants to “have a conversation” with the class bully’s parents. Either he’s mature beyond his years or he’s a mobster.

@uccjeb

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

@AbbyHasIssues

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

@td_ward

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

@MomOnFire

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

@murrman5

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

@JeremyKCMO

Ladies, here’s a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.