*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
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How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Oops I deleted….
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.