If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
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According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*