*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”

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Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.


person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???


Starbucks messed up Kate’s order. Kate’s white. How done is she?
a.) 100% done
b.) 300% done
c.) SO done
d.) She can’t even


Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.


Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.


Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.


Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.


Don’t be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.


My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.


The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”