@sophienuuttall

*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”

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@dom_selleck

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

@caithuls

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

@NewSATQuestion

#NewSATQuestions
Starbucks messed up Kate’s order. Kate’s white. How done is she?
a.) 100% done
b.) 300% done
c.) SO done
d.) She can’t even

@bonniemcfarlane

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

@jwoodham

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

@better_off_dad2

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

@novicefather

Don’t be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.

@Renie_Rivas

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

@madcaplaughs30

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”