*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
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[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.