@LackOfShame

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

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@Skoogeth

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

@JiminyKicksIt

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

@yenniwhite

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

@LizHackett

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

@Mom_Overboard

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

@wettbutt

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

@sbellelauren

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

@Cpin42

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

@nice_mustard

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

@brianbowman73

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.