*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter


*pulls pants up


*forgets to poop

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“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car


I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.


If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes


This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.


20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?


‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes


Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know


Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?


If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.