hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*pulls pants up
*forgets to poop
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DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
*takes clothes off*
*takes tampon out*
Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-
Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise