*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
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Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
me and who
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.