“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*pulls pants up
*forgets to poop
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I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.
If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.