Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds