*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
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We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something