*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

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How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data


Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!


[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks


CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on


Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?


[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do


If I ever owned a funeral home, I would name it “Remains To Be Seen”.


Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
Me: No.
*snatches phone


me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.