@junejuly12

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

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@InternetHippo

How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data

@Dana_Bruno

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

@ArfMeasures

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

@Brampersandon_

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

@djdarrellripley

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

@kieransofar

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

@glenc217

If I ever owned a funeral home, I would name it “Remains To Be Seen”.

@Jaywoo74

Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
Me: No.
*snatches phone
Me: MINE

@iamburtjarvis

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.