How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
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Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
If I ever owned a funeral home, I would name it “Remains To Be Seen”.
Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.