@Scott_A_Gilmore

*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System

*Czechs for ABS

*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System

*Czechs for ABS

- @Scott_A_Gilmore

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@UncleDuke1969

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

@ChribHibble

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

@CulturedRuffian

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

@BabetteJones

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

@lazerdoov

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Whatcha doin?

12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead.

Me: Did Hershel die yet?

12yo: WHAT?!

Me: Guess not.

@_salt_n_lime

Me: I don’t like anyone enough to live with them.

Friend: You’re married with 4 kids.

Me: I said what I said.

@ClaytonSykes

Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?

@emilyarse

students: i broke 18 ribs can i be excused from this absence

professor: tough shit

same professor: well kids unfortunately i stepped in a puddle with socks on so class will be cancelled indefinitely