@Scott_A_Gilmore

*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System

*Czechs for ABS

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@JohnMayer

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

@alldrolledup

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

@bobvulfov

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

@JediGigi

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

@JamieGreenlees

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

@not_thenanny

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)