Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System
*Czechs for ABS
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
No, he would not have.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads