this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
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Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
sensitive skin
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.