doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
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What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant