*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
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Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Bike is short for Bichael.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
oh shit
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.