@pregnant_cat

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

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@causticbob

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

@quikkim

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

@ginzyj1983

People who automatically say it will get better

without actually knowing what the problem is…

is why there are bodies buried in my yard

@stockejock

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

@ClichedOut

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

@MafiaJoker78

I just want to take you out…

With an AK-47…

& you thought on a date…hahaha.

@ThaJawn

(prostate exam)

Dr: WOW! I’ve never seen this before

Me: OMG! WHAT

*loud click

Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE

Dr:.. And send

Me: WTF?

@darkmatter_wimp

I’m on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It’s called: Miso Hungry.

@msbhaven81

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective