@pregnant_cat

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

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@Los01001111

I put another shrimp on the barbie and now Ken is all pissed off.

@lunasgarden_

I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.

@KaRaRacn75

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

@Reverend_Scott

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

@dannyboy7813

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

@markedly

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

@PettyClegg

my boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting

@Tbone7219

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.