*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
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I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Science memes
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
step 6: release the wall snake
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”