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@pregnant_cat: *goes to grocery store
*puts "gently used" sticker on all their cucumbers
@dave_cactus: TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
@UrbanDouchebag: Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list.
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
@NicestHippo: "It's now or nev—"
ME: Never. I choose never.
@daddydoubts: Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.