*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

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I put another shrimp on the barbie and now Ken is all pissed off.


I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.


Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.


[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”



Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?


[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch


my boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting


On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.


#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.