Not all heroes wear capes
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
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I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
People who automatically say it will get better
without actually knowing what the problem is…
is why there are bodies buried in my yard
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I just want to take you out…
With an AK-47…
& you thought on a date…hahaha.
Dr: WOW! I’ve never seen this before
Me: OMG! WHAT
Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE
Dr:.. And send
I’m on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It’s called: Miso Hungry.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective