*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
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Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
get you a girl who
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Phonetics
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes