*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord