@AimeeHelene1

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

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@Cycloptomese

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

@jesseltaylor

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

@LaLuchaNix

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

@Breadery

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

@prettysadmostly

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

@fro_vo

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

@SteveSuckington

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

@jakob_huber

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

@Smooheed

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

@Try2StopME

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.