Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
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Me: did it look cool tho
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
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Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.